I hope I can do this!

Green tea & banana = lunch

In order to start only posting positive things about my body on here, I need to get out what I hate about it and move on. That way those negative things are all said and done and there will be no point to say “but” whenever I have something good to say.

I feel like I’m not proportioned right. My collar bones, hip bones and ribs stick out. You can see them when I’m without a shirt. But I have a tummy, curves (hourglass shape, but with love handles), big boobs. It looks awkward. I look awkward. I’m always worried about muffin top. And always worried that I look fatter than I am just because I have wide hips. Not what people would call “birthing hips”, I’m just curvy as all hell. Then my legs. I was a dancer for 5 or 6 years, so I’m accepting of a little bit bigger thighs/calves on myself. However, now it’s mostly fat and I need to get rid of that. Same on my calves. I feel like if I lose all this weight, I’m still going to half muscular calves because I had such strong legs and that they’re going to look huge on me. But I can feel a fatty area around it so as long as I lose that, it’ll be fine. Other than that.. my arms aren’t that big. I don’t have back fat that is above the normal amount. My main focus is tummy, love handles, thighs. I’m going to work on those for the next two months. Once I’m satisfied, I’m sure if everything else doesn’t come along with it and shrink as I go, then I’ll focus a little more on everything else.

I just need to keep thinking this will take time.

The online wishlists for the stores I shop at. I “wishlisted” a ton of things and since I haven’t been spending my money lately other than for bills (yeah, I pay bills at 17), I’m saving it toward a mini shopping spree. I need a few things right now for this weekend when I go away, so I will be buying a few things to wear, but if I reach my goal or very close to it, I’m going to buy some new clothes (since I’ll be sticking to this and just have to buy more when I lose more) because hey, I’ll need them. None of my clothes now will fit a 135lb girl. 

I’m sorry for the spam posts today but I’m feeling good AND bad about myself. Bad, because something got mixed up with one of my pay checks so I didn’t receive last weeks and I’ve had no money to spend on buying groceries, so all I ate yesterday was wheat things because nothing else here was even remotely healthy.. but I ate a lot of them and was super full. Promise I’ll eat today, this isn’t about starving myself, can’t go back to that. But good, because I feel like I can do this. Everytime I lose a little bit of weight, I used to think “Oh, it’s okay to give into your cravings just a little bit. You LOST some weight!” But no, that doesn’t help. A few pounds doesn’t mean it’s just a few so I can give in, it means I’m closer to where I can be happy and start going out with friends and not having to hold back because I know I can snap back from it. I just can’t binge. 

Babbling. I apologize. Also.. I followed some other blogs I found that were related to weight loss but in a healthy way. I’ll never follow thinspo because it freaks me out. Everyone’s beautiful but when I see girls that are pencil thin I want to feed them a burger. Vegetarian or not, a burger.. with extra cheese. 

This is not for anyone else. Sure, it’ll be nice to have my boyfriend think I look great and the compliments I’m sure I’ll get on how “slimmed down” I look will be extremely nice because that’s something I haven’t heard in a while. But this is for me. I’m not all to concerned at the number that I see on the scale, but for some reason I check it 10 times a day. I know this is bad, it’s something I’ve done for a really long time. I nearly developed an eating disorder a year ago so I’m trying to do everything right. Sometimes I have the urge to starve myself like I used to but I know that will just kill me slowly.. that’s not what I want. I want to look in the mirror and feel satisfaction again. And even if I’m not a certain weight that I want to be, I look smaller than my actual weight right now.. so I’ll probably continue that odd logic throughout my journey. I just really need this. I need to lose the weight. I’ve been so unhappy with my looks for so long. I don’t gain any weight past two pounds and I always lose it. My metabolism is really fast right now and I don’t even know how that happened but I’m glad it did and I need to take advantage. Right now is the perfect time to do this. I turn 18 soon, I’m graduating (hence the two month goal right now), I’m moving to a new place June 1st which I love doing.. it’s just perfect. Summer is close, I will be able to continue eating healthy and have plenty of time to work out. I just need to stay strict for three weeks and then I will be adjusted and this will become easier as I go. That’s what I have to keep in mind.

I’ve lost 2 lbs since yesterday. I’m having “girl issues” so I was in fact just retaining water or something like that. So I’m expecting more weight to come back until it’s over and I just have to drink a lot of water. I’m hopefully going grocery shopping tomorrow night, so I will be able to get the healthy foods I need. As for working out, it’s going to be difficult to get through with cramps, but exercise is supposed to make them feel better anyway. 

I’m still going to count everything from Thursday-Sunday as week 1, but I’m going to weigh in on Mondays.. just because it’s easier. I already posted my beginning weight, so yeah.

How I’m feeling? Hopeless, a little. But I’ve cut soda out of my diet. So that should be of some help this first week, the water will make me feel healthier and in turn I’ll be in a better mood about it all.

I’m going grocery shopping within the next few days to ensure that I only have healthy stuff around here. I’m going to eat light and drink plenty of water. Water only. On the weekends and over this coming spring break, I will be waking up at 5am and going for a run. Otherwise I will be at the gym about 3 nights a week, for around an hour each time, doing mainly cardio (because I want to slim my stomach and thighs, those are my only problem areas really).